Why don't you just date a black dude?

At the end of the day, Maria Motley-Arnold says love is love. Interracial/multicultural dating and family interactions can be a minefield. So often, if you’re a woman of color, you’re judged for dating a white man. If you’re a black man, you’re judged for dating a white woman. This is not to say that fetishization isn’t a real issue when it comes to interracial dating. Guys who say they have “Yellow fever” cause they prefer Asian woman… that's a problem. White women who claim since they’ve “gone Black” they’re not going back… that's a problem, because then you are tokenizing your partner. It’s not the person you’re attracted to, its the race. It may eventually move past that, but if you’re focusing your dating prospects solely based on race, you need to check your internal biases.

[My parents sharing a kiss at my wedding]

Growing up, I was the product of an interracial marriage. My mom is Spanish/Mexican and my dad is Black. I always considered myself proudly multiracial. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I learned that my parent’s marriage hadn’t been 100% approved by my mother’s father. He hadn’t attended the wedding because she was marrying a Black man. And it wasn’t until it was revealed that my Uncle’s beloved, long-time girlfriend was also black that my father was accepted. My dad said nothing was ever mentioned, just one day my grandfather welcomed him in the house. (A few years before my grandfather’s death he apologized to my father.)

I endured a lot of “what are you?” questions as a child. People had a hard time placing me in a box. Was I Mexican? Puerto Rican? Mixed? Black/White? Very early, I learned that not everyone was okay with my parents marriage or even my existence. Mostly it wasn’t overt, but I had white acquaintances say things in passing like ,“I just don’t think people should date outside their race,” because they didn’t know my background. Which in turn cued the awkward stammering when I would interject. “Well who do I date then?”.

[My husband and I dolled up for a friend’s wedding last year]

I wish I could say things simplified with time; as I got older, got married and had kids. Sadly some of the same issues pop up. I married a white man; a handsome, caring, sometimes frustrating man. I didn’t marry him because of his color or in spite of it. The issue of him being white did not calculate at all into my decision to say yes to his proposal. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for my marriage to be mentioned especially now that I’m more vocal about Black Lives Matter and other social justice issues. During a discussion about racism when I mentioned my husband was white, I literally had someone post the below picture with “Why don’t you just date a black dude?”

No matter what I say, if I post pro-black or pro-latinx articles or statuses I’m questioned on why I hate white people or why I must always be so divisive. My personal favorite is when someone asks if I forgot that my daughters are half white. If I’m critiquing systemic racism, white supremacy, or discussing implicit bias I’m seen as someone who loves her husband less because of my words.

I have discussions with my husband surrounding race, sexism, and politics. I raise my daughters to use their white passing privilege to amplify the voices of the marginialized. I talk to my in-laws and other family about racism and other social justice issues. I invite discussion even when we don’t agree, especially when we don’t agree.

Does that mean that I can’t be Pro-Black or Pro-Latinx because my husband is white? Of course not. Does it mean maybe my life would be easier if I married another POC? Not necessarily. All I know is there’s no right answer I can give other than love is love.

Maria Motley-Arnold is your average WOC wife & mom of 3 beautiful girls. She currently lives in the suburbs of Chicago but will forever consider herself a Southerner. When she's not at work or chasing children she can be found curled up with a good book or having passionate discussions about social justice.