Black & White: An American Love Story

I love white men.

I always have... from the time I was a child, growing up watching old movies with my mother. In these movies, white men had all the money, all the fun, all the power and were extremely handsome.

Most of my life, I dated black men (I love them too... *droooling*). Most of my formative years, I was exclusively around black couples, black marriages and saw powerful, amazing black men and women living and loving freely.

My parents gave me an amazing foundation in my blackness and surrounded me with black excellence. I didn’t even go to a predominately white school til high school. I thought my experience was the norm for blackness: classical music, lots of reading, learning about all of black history, pre-slavery, slavery, post-slavery and the present. I found out later that was not the norm for everyone.

My first interaction of an interracial relationship was seeing my sister and her boyfriend. He was this very sexy Italian man, who treated her amazingly! Sweet, kind, funny, generous, loving and highly intelligent. Even though they ended up breaking up, they stayed close friends and supported each other in their life experiences.

Where Do I Fit?

My parents pushed me to learn. They were and are both avid readers who loved learning and knowledge. They passed that desire on to me. I grew up reading the encyclopedia, going to different summer camps, going to private schools, listening and playing classical music. As I began to get older, I realized that the things that I liked, enjoyed, appreciated, I would not necessarily find in the community of people who looked like me. Even those who were raised in the same schools, same religion and our parents were friends didn’t see the world like me.

When I got to high school, I found that those who like the things that I liked and aligned with a similar spirit as mine were white.

When I spoke with my mother about this, she said, 'baby I know. It’s okay, love and marry who you want. If it is a white man, just don’t have children. They will never fit anywhere. The black people won’t accept them and neither will the white people.'

Little did she know that her daughter felt that way already.

I was never quite black enough for my black friends…..but was too black for the white community. This had a profound impact on whom I dated as I got older.

Power Attracts Power

I now pretty much exclusively date only white men. It isn’t because I don’t like or that I’m not attracted to black men. I live in a city where the black population is 1.9%. If I’m going to date, it is just going to be white men. I have met and interacted with such amazing men here, that I begin to wonder why I had been so afraid for so long.

One of the guys that I date mentioned to me how he felt that many times black women only date white men because they want an out. They see white men as a savior. So, I begin to think about black women and white men and their historical journey in America. The following is where I have landed:

Black women and black men were brought here as slaves. White men were their slave owners & sons of slave owners; white women were the wives & daughters of those slave owners.

Black women, if they survived the middle passage, got here and were raped, began working in the fields, having children, cooking for those children, cooking for their slave masters, taking care of their slave master’s children, taking care of their slave master’s wives, taking care of their own children, doing their best to hold their families together, loving their children, making their slave master’s clothes, cleaning their slave master’s homes, cleaning their own quarters, being wives (when they were allowed to marry), and taking care of themselves the best way that they could.

White men, were doing very similar. They were business owners, husbands, masters, running plantations, engaging in politics, fathers, keeping the books, conducting business deals, loving their families, making sure that there was food to cook, maintaining their plantations and farms, taking good/bad care of their slaves, living up to the expectations of their families, purchasing all supplies needed, taking care of themselves the best way that they could.

At that time, white women went from their father’s home to their husband’s home. Many times, they didn’t do much. Sometimes, they worked the plantation and sewed. They had babies. They had gardens. Essentially they never quite worried for much, because that was their husband’s job.

Black men, being slaves, got off the boat, were sold at auction and went to work. They got married (when allowed), they had children, they worked the fields and then were possibly sold to another plantation.

While this is a very simplified description, when we look at the power dynamics of what each group had to do historically, we see the similarities and the patterns.

Choices & Alignment

I am not writing this as a denial of systemic racism, neither is it a denial of prejudice, bigotry, or history.

I am writing this because I see many people single and unhappy, when they could be dating and happy if they stepped out of their comfort zone to try something new. I know, understand and fully acknowledge the desire to want to have black babies, a black husband and black love. At the same time, I am not going to squash myself, nor my desires and wants just to have that. No woman or man should.

We, as black women, need to be loved and celebrated and align with the person that loves, celebrates us and aligns with who we are. We are driven. We are ambitious. We graduate at a higher and faster rate than our black male counterparts. Instead of complaining that there are not black men who appreciate our intelligence, ambition, etc, let’s embrace the men/man who will, whether he be white or otherwise.

Black men, if a white woman wants to love you and you love her back, be with her. I know that the stigma is not as tough for black men, but it is still there.

White women, love who you want to love. I know that black women have attacked you when you have dated black men. I know how it feels. I have been on the flip side and it sucks ass. Hold your head up high and love the man you love.

White men, black women are attracted to you. We know that you are attracted to us. Stop being afraid to approach us. We aren’t the stereotype. I promise. Just like all white girls aren’t preppy and “basic bitches”.

Go forth. Date. Align yourself with who you connect with. Try something new. Lean into the learning curve. Follow your hearts and stop holding yourselves back.

Stay sexy,

Deva-The Vixen Goddess

Deva Logan is a Dating, Love, Relationship & Sex Coach. She assists her clients in transforming their lives through changing their views on the use of love & sex. /react-text www.devalogan.com

#love #relationships #interracialdating #dating